he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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