i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
