you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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