Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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