I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wear drunk well.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
