highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
