so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
