matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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