I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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