I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
