I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
