I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
