I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
