I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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