On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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