i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
