When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
