he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
