Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
