Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
