thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
