he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
