how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
