My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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