Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
