Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
