If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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