we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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