She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
