I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize