Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
