I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
