I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
