M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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