party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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