my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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