Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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