Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
