drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
