also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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