I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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