also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
