Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
