I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
