two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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