I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
