the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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