He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
