I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
