is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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