Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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