i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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