i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
