bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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