Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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