i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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