I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
